During the start of my senior year in college a man asked me a VERY personal question.  When I hesitated to respond he quickly asked, "What's the problem? Are you ashamed?" Provoked by his subsequent questions, I went ahead and answered his original question despite how EXTREMELY personal it was. Here was a turning point for me in my early adulthood. Shame was now a concept for me to consider as to the role it plays in how I express myself to others. Now after several years engaging in spiritual counseling and psychotherapy sessions for myself and also with others, my understanding of  the freedom and healing that comes from lifting the veil of shame is tremendous. Yet, here I am checking myself while I consider whether to fully share of myself this morning. What's the problem? Am I ashamed?
 
Shame seems to go hand in hand with guilt and fear. For it is often a fear of other's judgement that fuels shame. Then you add a good dose of guilt thoughts like: it's my fault, I did something wrong, I deserved it, I should or should not have.... The combination of fear, shame and guilt is a recipe for low self-esteem, self-loathing, heartache, and living with secret beliefs which perpetuate a cycle of unfullfilling relationships. At the very least shame will certainly encourage silence and secrecy such that a soul simply is not fully loving and expressing all of themself. It is this understanding that inspires me to continually find ways to love and honor myself. So this morning I freely share with you as I love and honor some more of me today. Yes I too am a work in progress.
 
I love the baby girl born to unwed teen-aged parents recently immigrated to the US from Jamaica. I love the little girl who desperately wanted a/her daddy. I love the girl who resembled neither the fair-skinned nor brown-skinned sides of the family, feeling like the odd one out. I love the shy little girl who danced and sang her heart out wanting others to like her even though her uncle had insisted that he was the only one who really cared for her when he molested her at the age of 5.  I love the girl whose God mother used to call her ugly, and told her that when anyone said that she was "cute or pretty" that they were only saying it to be nice, because the truth was that she was ugly - "very ugly," she would say. I love the little girl who was not able to stop her Auntie from being beaten, or from running away, even though she tried. I love the little girl who witnessed domestic violence in front of grandma's house while the whole block watched and no one did anything to help the woman who was being beaten with a pipe in broad daylight.
 
I love the 7 year old girl who took her first plane ride to California as an unaccompanied minor to meet her daddy. I love the little girl who struggled with issues of race and class navigating school years in the predominanly white affluent valley neighborhoods of Southern Californa and summers in the not so affluent predominantly black neigborhoods of Queens, New York. I love the girl who jumped in swinging to save her female family members and friends each and every time when men put hands on them. I love the high school graduate who went on to Boston University, while overcoming her first heart-break. I love the young lady who was inspired by the Josephine Baker story, learned french and got a scholarship to study abroad in Paris. I love the young woman who left a 5 year love relationship when she realized that she simply and truly was not happy in it, even though she was scared to start over and leave someone who loved her.
 
I love the woman who reconnected with her father when she realized that unresolved issues between them were sabotaging her relationships with men. I love the woman who undertook psychotherapy to ensure her healing from her past experiences. I love the woman who decided not to believe anymore that "men come and go,  though you will love them all."  I love the woman who relentlessly followed every guidance for her spiritual growth and healing with a child-like spirit, spanning numerous teachings within psychology, philosophy, religion, spirituality and healing (regardless of what others may have thought or said about it.) I love the corporate affairs professional who developed social service charitable giving programs in the areas of domestic violence, HIV/AIDS, hunger relief and homeless/human services.  I love the woman who left her corporate career to pursue training as a psychotherapist at NYU School of Social Work. I love the woman who continues to open her heart to love, regardless of the deep hurts she has endured. I dearly love the woman who has followed her inspiration to create a space for healing and spiritual discovery by establishing Healing Truth Center.
 
Truth is, I absolutely and completely love ALL of me. I love the tomboy, the rowdy, the lady, the professional, the ordained reverend, the counselor, the healer, the teacher, the psychotherapist, the social worker, the advocate, the author, the mothering nature, the yardy (Jamaican), the comedian, the Queens, the Cali, the dancer, the calm, the beige skin, the skinny, the single, the sensitive, the sensuous, the sexual, the abused/hurt/neglected, the resilient/victorious/inspiring, the child, the teen, the woman, the wisdom, the heart, the soul, all that I have ever been through, all that I have ever seen, all that I aspire to be, all the GOD in me. 
 
Today's inspiration is a very personal one. May it serve and inspire others to continue their journey of healing hearts for healthier relationships.
 
With love,
Shawna Marie